From Blorbo's reference shelf

A textbook specimen.

Nobody was harmed in the inspection of this specimen. It is the answer set Blorbo files under The Pie Absolutist by the widest margin.

Inspect someone realSix questions. About a minute. No names.

Reference shelf · Case #9403

Subject
A textbook specimen. Nobody real.
Inspector
Blorbo, Chief Gift Inspector
Clearance
Public. It's a textbook.

Diagnosis

The Pie Absolutist

Threat level
Level 4: There Is A Correct Pie
Known weaknesses
store-bought crust, "I'll just have a sliver," anyone who says cake
Habitat
Next to the pie, holding the server like a scepter
Dressed for the occasion: Rubber Stamp.

Field notes

  1. Subject has a ranking of pies. It has not changed since 1998. It will not change.
  2. Cuts every slice to the same width. Owns a ruler for this.
  3. Considers dessert the main course and dinner a formality.

Textbook answers

Their group-chat role:
Reply-All Menace
They say "I'll wait" how often:
Weekly
Holiday of choice:
Thanksgiving (for the gravy)
At work they are:
Retired from all of it, spiritually
Thermostat stance:
Fears it
A single Tupperware lid has no container. They:
Recycle it with ceremony

Verdict

Absolutist confirmed. Blorbo chose the correct pie. He was told it was the wrong correct pie.

Blorbo, Chief Gift Inspector

Evidence locker

Exhibits A to C

The shop opens soon, so Blorbo pulled the right file and two ideas from his notebook. Nothing here is for sale yet.

  1. Exhibit AFunny Thanksgiving ShirtsThe Funny Thanksgiving Shirts fileBlorbo is still stocking it.

    Why this file: The textbook says they're in it for the gravy. This whole file follows from that.

  2. Exhibit BCream T-shirt that reads "I Brought The Store-Bought Rolls", with "And I would do it again" underneathI BROUGHT THESTORE-BOUGHTROLLSAND I WOULD DO IT AGAINConceptConcept. Not for sale. Blorbo is considering it.

    Why Blorbo drew it: Still about how they're in it for the gravy. Blorbo has a lot to say about it.

  3. Exhibit CInk T-shirt that reads "Pie Distribution Committee", with "Fair. Firm. Slightly biased." underneathPIEPIEDISTRIBUTIONDISTRIBUTIONCOMMITTEECOMMITTEEFAIR. FIRM.SLIGHTLY BIASED.ConceptConcept. Not for sale. Blorbo is considering it.

    Why Blorbo drew it: They're in it for the gravy, again. Blorbo underlined it a second time and drew this.

Inspect someone real Back to the specimens

Specimens live on Blorbo's reference shelf. Nobody on this page was inspected, harmed or asked about their thermostat.

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