Gift finder, but suspicious
Let Blorbo interrogate them.
A funny gift finder in six absurdly specific questions. Blorbo stamps every page, then issues a Subject Report: a codename, a threat level, known weaknesses and Exhibits A to C, which is what to get them.
- No names. Ever.
- About a minute
- They can dispute it
Blorbo is opening a fresh file…
How an interrogation works
Three steps. One stamped file.
1 Pick a subject
Your mom, your boss, a nurse, someone complicated. Or yourself, if you're brave. No names: Blorbo forgets them anyway.
2 Answer six pages
Group-chat role. Thermostat stance. What they do about a Tupperware lid with no container. Blorbo stamps every page.
3 Get the report
A codename, a threat level, known weaknesses, a nemesis, and Exhibits A to C: what to get them. Then send it. They can dispute it.
On the record: Group-chat role · How often they say "I'll wait" · Holiday of choice · Who they are at work · Thermostat stance · The orphan Tupperware lid.
Specimens on file
The 16 known specimens
Every person Blorbo has ever inspected turned out to be one of these. He checked. Open any file to see a textbook example from his reference shelf.
- The Gravy GuardianHabitat: Within arm's reach of the stove, from 6 AM onwardThanksgiving Logistics Coordinator
- The Thermostat WardenHabitat: The hallway, near the little screen, arms foldedClimate Control Authority
- The Reply-All MenaceHabitat: The All Staff distribution listCompany-Wide Inbox Event
- The Year-Round Spooky GremlinHabitat: The seasonal aisle, three weeks before it opensSkeleton In The Yard Since August
- The 12-Hour Shift SurvivorHabitat: The break room on hour eleven, holding a cup of something that used to be warmRunning On Vending Machine Coffee
- Red Pen RoyaltyHabitat: The kitchen table on a Sunday, surrounded by paperPlease Show Your Work
- The "I'll Wait"Habitat: The front of any room, one eyebrow raisedArms Folded, Still Waiting
- The Pie AbsolutistHabitat: Next to the pie, holding the server like a scepterThere Is A Correct Pie
- The Matching-Pajamas EnforcerHabitat: The living room, holding a camera on a ten-second timerEveryone Is In The Photo
- The Christmas-Since-November AgentHabitat: Under the tree, or on a ladder near the guttersThe Tree Is Already Up
- The Meeting That Could Have Been An EmailHabitat: Conference Room B: no windows, one working markerLet's Circle Back
- The Tupperware DetectiveHabitat: The office fridge, holding a container up to the lightThe Lid Will Be Found
- The Group-Chat LurkerHabitat: Every muted conversation, all at onceSeen At 2:14 PM
- The Voice-Note OffenderHabitat: Walking somewhere, phone held flat like a slice of pizzaPart Two Is Coming
- The Recess EnthusiastHabitat: The playground, explaining a game nobody asked to playFour Square Champion (Retired)
- The Blanket DiplomatHabitat: The corner of the couch, under at least one blanketExtremely Cozy, Mostly Harmless
Questions, interrogated
Is this a real gift finder?
Yes, a silly one. Your answers point Blorbo at the right gift guides and, once the shop is stocked, at real designs, with a line explaining why each one was picked. Until then he shows ideas from his notebook, clearly labelled as concepts.
Do you store names or answers?
No names, ever: you pick a relationship, not a person. Your answers become six digits in the report link, like 214341. Saved case files stay in your browser and nowhere else.
What happens when I send someone their report?
They see their diagnosis and a large button that says DISPUTE THIS DIAGNOSIS. If they press it, they answer the six questions about themselves and Blorbo issues a ruling: upheld or overturned.
How does Blorbo decide the codename?
Every answer leans toward a few traits: gravy, thermostats, reply-all, red pens and so on. The codename is the known specimen whose traits match best. Same answers, same codename, every time, on every device.
Is it free?
Completely. No account, no email, no coins. The only prizes are badges and a fedora for Blorbo if you inspect five different people.
Why only six questions?
Blorbo tried sixty. Nobody finished, including Blorbo.