Reference shelf · Case #2504
- Subject
- A textbook specimen. Nobody real.
- Inspector
- Blorbo, Chief Gift Inspector
- Clearance
- Public. It's a textbook.
Diagnosis
The Gravy Guardian
- Threat level
- Level 5: Thanksgiving Logistics Coordinator
- Known weaknesses
- lumps, gravy from a jar, anyone who calls it "basically sauce"
- Habitat
- Within arm's reach of the stove, from 6 AM onward
- Nemesis
- The Pie Absolutist
Field notes
- Subject arrives two hours early to "check on the gravy." The gravy is fine. The gravy has always been fine.
- Owns three gravy boats. Has opinions about all of them.
- Will defend the gravy at the cost of the entire meal.
Textbook answers
- Their group-chat role:
- Voice-Note Offender
- They say "I'll wait" how often:
- Never
- Holiday of choice:
- Thanksgiving (for the gravy)
- At work they are:
- Retired from all of it, spiritually
- Thermostat stance:
- Fears it
- A single Tupperware lid has no container. They:
- Keep it forever
Verdict
Guardian status confirmed. Hand them the ladle and step back slowly.
Blorbo, Chief Gift Inspector
