Form 1-EYE Department of Inspection

Blorbo inspects your photo.

Hand over a photo of your costume, your cat, your desk or your Thanksgiving plate. Blorbo sweeps it with his magnifying glass, slams down a rubber stamp and files an official inspection report you can post anywhere.

To the inspection desk How it works

Your photo never leaves your phone. Blorbo looks at it right here, in your browser. He's polite about it.

The inspection desk

Hand it over. He'll be gentle.

Pick what it is, choose a photo, watch the magnifying glass work. About three seconds, start to stamp.

The inspection desk is open.

Costumes, pets, plates, desks, outfits, decor, and things that cannot be explained. Blorbo brings the magnifying glass. You bring the evidence.

  • Pet
  • Costume
  • Plate
  • Desk
  • Outfit
  • Decor
  • Something unexplainable

Your photo never leaves your phone. Blorbo looks at it right here, in your browser. He's polite about it.

How it works

Three steps. One eye.

  1. Hand over the evidence

    Pick a category, then choose a photo, drop one on the desk or paste it. On a phone, the button opens your camera roll. Blorbo reads it right there in your browser.

  2. He sweeps it

    The magnifying glass makes a careful loop over every inch while Blorbo counts eyes, measures specificity and consults the other eye, which is unavailable.

  3. The stamp comes down

    You get an official inspection report: your photo in a polaroid, the meters, the verdict and a rubber stamp. Download it as a feed post or a story, or share it straight from your phone.

Inspection season

Costume season, plate season, sweater season.

The desk follows the calendar. October is Costume Inspection, November is Plate Inspection, December is Sweater & Tree Inspection, and the rest of the year is General Inspection. Every category is open in every season. The season only decides what he expects to see first.

  1. OctoberCostume InspectionHalloween costumes, bedsheets with holes, the cat in a tiny hat. Costumes inspected now count for the Costume Committee.
  2. NovemberPlate InspectionThanksgiving plates, measured for gravy. Seconds are not a defect.
  3. DecemberSweater & Tree InspectionUgly sweaters, overdecorated trees, the one light that blinks wrong.
  4. The rest of the yearGeneral InspectionPets, desks, plates, outfits and things that cannot be explained. Blorbo is not picky. He is thorough.

What he measures

Seven kinds of specimen. Very specific meters.

  • Pet

    • Floof Density
    • Crime Potential
    • Specificity

    Sample verdict “Crime potential: 88%. Blorbo has moved his snacks to a higher shelf.”

  • Costume

    • Effort
    • Spookiness
    • Could Be Mistaken For Blorbo
    • Candy Yield

    Sample verdict “Spookiness: 94%. Blorbo checked under the bed afterwards.”

  • Plate

    • Gravy Coverage
    • Pie Structural Integrity
    • Beige Ratio
    • Nap Probability

    Sample verdict “Gravy coverage: 97%. Structurally, this is a lake.”

  • Desk

    • Cable Chaos
    • Coffee Ring Count
    • Productivity (Alleged)

    Sample verdict “Coffee ring count: 7 rings. Each one is a meeting that could have been an email.”

  • Outfit (clothes, not people)

    • Color Coordination
    • Wrinkle Forgiveness
    • Pun Capacity

    Sample verdict “Color coordination: 81%. The socks were consulted.”

  • Decor

    • Blinking Light Count
    • Tinsel Confidence
    • Ugly Sweater Index
    • Cat Threat Level

    Sample verdict “Blinking light count: 412 lights. Blorbo counted twice. He has the time.”

  • Something unexplainable

    • Explainability
    • Specificity
    • Blorbo's Concern

    Sample verdict “Explainability: 3%. Blorbo has filed it under 'what'.”

  • There is no “a person” category. Blorbo inspects the costume, the outfit or the cat. Never the human. He has one eye and excellent boundaries.

The stamps

Four stamps. All of them official.

  • APPROVED

    It passed. Blorbo nodded. You may carry on.

  • ODDLY SPECIFIC

    The highest honor in the department. Blorbo only hands it to things there are exactly one of.

  • REQUIRES A SECOND EYE

    Blorbo only has the one. He is escalating this to nobody.

  • BLORBO IS JEALOUS

    Whatever this is, he wants it. Very orange photos get this one a lot. He takes orange personally.

Privacy, in plain words

Your photo stays with you.

Your photo never leaves your phone. Blorbo looks at it right here, in your browser. He's polite about it.

There is no upload button because there is nowhere to upload to. Close the tab and the photo is gone from Blorbo's desk.

NO UPLOADS

What happens to your photo

  1. Your browser opens it. Nothing is sent anywhere.
  2. It is redrawn at a sensible size, which also drops hidden location data from the file.
  3. The scores come from a tiny 32 by 32 pixel squint at it, done on your device.
  4. The report image is drawn on your device. You decide whether it goes anywhere.
  5. Only numbers are saved in this browser: the category, the stamp and the scores, for your case file. Never the picture.

Questions, inspected

Is this AI?

No. Blorbo's scores are vibes, seeded by your pixels. Same photo, same score. A few meters do glance at the picture itself: dark photos read spookier, and very orange ones make him jealous.

Where does my photo go?

Nowhere. Your photo never leaves your phone. Blorbo looks at it right here, in your browser. He's polite about it. The report image is drawn on your device too, and nothing is uploaded to us or to anyone else.

Why does the same photo always get the same score?

Because it's the same photo. The scores come from the picture itself, so the same photo in the same category always gets the same report. File it under a different category to hear what else he thinks.

Can Blorbo inspect a person?

No. There is no 'a person' category, on purpose. He inspects costumes, outfits, pets, plates, desks, decor and things that defy explanation. Outfit means the clothes. Never the human inside them.

My photo won't load. Why?

Some phones save photos as HEIC, which many desktop browsers can't open. Blorbo can't read that format either. Try a JPG or PNG. He's old-fashioned. He's also a blob.

Do I win anything?

Your first inspection files the Submitted for Inspection badge in your case file. File a costume during Costume Inspection (October) and the Costume Committee hands Blorbo the Bedsheet Ghost to keep. Prizes are cosmetic. Nothing here is a coupon.

Can I post the report?

Please do. Download it as a feed post (4:5) or a story (9:16), or use the share button on your phone. The image says where it was inspected. That's the only advertising Blorbo does.

Elsewhere in the office

More things Blorbo is inspecting

The shop's shelves are still being inspected. The gift guides are open, and every one of them is very specific.